The incredible increasing speed of life

My traveling muffin got back last Monday night. For all except Logan, the reunion has been warm and poignant. (He was only 20 months old when she left and really doesn't know what to do with her).

During the last week we have been busy, busy, busy. There was the unpacking, the doctor's appointments, the hair appointments, and the at-first-very-interested listening, and then the tolerantly-polite-trying-not-to-yawn listening to the seemingly endless list of Venezuela wonders. There was lots of Venezuelan candy and cookies to eat, a driver's license to get replaced (her purse was stolen while there), and MOUNDS of correspondence from Boston University to go through.....did you know that the beds in the dorms require extra long twin sheets? I didn't.

And then there's the emotional work; getting reacquainted (cuz we all have changed), some minor psychological trauma from a lunch with the ex-boyfriend, and some moderate psychological trauma from not being able to fit into all the clothes that she left here. But the biggest emotional trauma has been leaving "Mi amor de vida" (the love of my life) back there. She is definitely suffering all the symptoms of one separated from her beloved.

I honestly tried to get her to stand in front of this sign so I could take her picture, but she was constantly flitting away to meet another friend to catch up. And now she's gone again. She and the stud-ly muffin went on a week-long mission trip with their dad's church to Tennessee. She'll be back. I know this is true. But somehow this separation is a little harder -- maybe because I just got her back and then had to let go. But really, even when she was here, she wasn't really here. Any of you Empty-Nesters reading this know what I mean. She loves us, is happy to see us and be together and all that, but there's a different kind of separateness....and unto herself-ness that wasn't there before she left for the exchange. I KNOW this is what's supposed to happen. It's still a bit of a shock.

The moral of the story (for me, mainly), is that when the mini-muffins are driving me ABSOLUTELY INSANE, I try, try, try, try, try, try, try, TRY, T R Y to remember that it won't be long before they are in a space unto themselves.

Update

OK. Here's what kept me out of the blog-o-sphere for so long:

The mini-muffins had their second change in child care arrangements in 2 months. Our fabulously energetic and unbelievably cheap child care provider (who just happened to live right across the street from us) decided to accept an offer to make personal training DVDs which have the potential to go nationwide via the backing of the Trump Corporation. I'm not sure why she chose that over our 2 wonderful boys....it's really a brain bender....

Anyhoo......now they are going 5 mornings a week to a NAEYC accredited child care/pre-school center. I had put their names on the waiting list over a year ago and the spots came open not long after we had hired an in-home provider for a lot more money and with much less energy than our aforementioned provider. Needless to say, I jumped at this opportunity. I figured, if I'm going to be paying through the nose, it's gotta be worth it.

So, after three weeks, we had all settled into the new routine....mostly....which was no small feat, considering the mini-muffins had been pretty insulated from the wider world until now. And I had gotten quite spoiled with lounging around in my "lounge" clothes until around 10 am 2-3 days a week.

It was pretty miserable the first couple of weeks. There was much weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth -- and you should have heard the kids! Seriously, it was exhausting to manage two tantrums AND get to the office and compose myself before my first client every single morning, but I hung in there because I knew it would get better. And it did.

Then came the predictable day care induced illness fall-out. During the next 3 weeks we went through two rounds of colds, one much worse than the other. We're all STILL coughing two weeks from the onset. Again, I'm hanging in there because I'm told that the illnesses now will build stronger immunity in the future.

Brennan still asks why he has to go to school "so much," and I tell him because his dad and I have to work "so much." I'm helping him put together the idea that going to work means we have money to pay for things, like his Lightning McQueen wardrobe and chocolate milk habit. He now understands this idea so well that frequently when I pick him up he asks what I bought today. Thank you, Capitalism!!

That takes care of the little ones. Now for the big ones:

The studly muffin, being a 16 year boy, has been busy keeping us on our toes with a variety of 16 year old boy-type behavior -- most of them extremely stress producing for parents. As much as I'd LOVE to go into details, I won't. For one, it's too painful to have to tell the stuff over and over, and two, I guess I don't want to embarrass the kid too much.

ONO called this phase of parenting the "limbo phase" because you can't really do any "hands-on" parenting, but they're not old enough to send out into the world with a friendly swat (or swift kick, depending on the kid) on the butt. So you just try to continue to offer support and empathy when they fall flat on their faces, try not to take too much of it personally, and believe that they'll be ok in about 5-10 years.

Hmmmm. That sounds a little like a prison sentence.

Nobody said it would be easy....but Sheesh!!

If you're a regular reader you know that my oldest, my only daughter, is spending a year in Venezuela on a Rotary exchange. She turned 18 last September. That means, that according to the U.S. military, Voter's Registration, tobacco and credit card companies, piercing/tattoo joints, and pretty much everyone else except bars and liquor stores, consider her an adult. (Actually, in Venezuela, the legal drinking age is 18, so she's 100% an adult there).

I'm not sure how/why 18 became the age that was deemed the starting line for adult decision-making. It seems kind of arbitrary to me. In fact, one prominent brain researcher is finding that the human brain hasn't reached complete development, with typical adult decision-making abilities, until around age 25. (Interestingly, the amount of grey matter doesn’t peak until age 30, and the amount of white matter doesn’t peak until age 45!)

In my work I find myself explaining these concepts to lots of parents of adolescents. They're usually convinced that their kid is being an idiot ON PURPOSE. I tell them that Sally and Johnny really aren't able -- they do not have the brain equipment -- to make wise, reasoned decisions like they are. Their brains just aren't done yet. They might look like young adults, and talk like young adults, but their brains are not there. I had one dad who interrupted me mid-brain development lecture and say "I know....they're turkeys." I said "what??" He said "you said they were weren't done growing yet -- like taking a turkey out of the oven too soon."

It's all fine and dandy when I'm talking to other parents about their kids' stupid decisions and lack of insight. It's easy for me to be compassionate and calm and reassuring to other parents, but when it comes to my own, it's a different story.

My daughter recently revealed that she's fallen in love with a young Venezuelan man. This really isn't a huge surprise -- she's a lovely young woman with a healthy interest in the world around her. And, she'd already had a minor romantic fling shortly after her arrival to South America with a fellow high school student.

The young man she's interested in is also interested in her. Well, more than interested. He thinks she's all that and a bag of chips. This should be a good news to me, right?? Most moms want their children to grow up and find love....soul satisfying love, gut wrenching love, the kind of love that brings an atheist to his knees in prayer. Of COURSE I do! But, (you knew that was coming) not when she's 18. First there's the whole brain-not-done-yet, thing. And, trailing close behind is this other thing. The young man? He's 28.

This just isn't ok with me. And I don't really care that it's common in Latin American countries for boyfriends/husbands to be much older than their girlfriends/wives. That's in Latin America. And my daughter is not Latin American. She's as white bread as they come!

But I digress. The real issue here is that whatever decisions she's making about her future really aren't founded in solid decision-making capability.

Sweetheart, you're a turkey. I mean that with all the love in the world. And when you're done, you are going to be even more amazing than you already are. Mom.




PS This stuff has taken up quite a bit of my mental and emotional energy lately. I hope that explains the lack of regular posts. If I could just find a way to chain her to her bed and throw away the key to her chastity belt.

Romance is not dead!

I get home from the office around 7:30 and the mini-muffins are in the bath tub throwing water on each other and the floor. ONO is running around trying to "get stuff done." My better self is bested and I grumble slightly that the mini-muffins are still up and harshing our post-bedtime mellow.

I go upstairs and start changing my clothes so I can wash the boys. ONO is following behind saying "Really! It's a good thing that I waited on getting them in the tub." In the middle of disrobing he gets that look, comes over, starts to grope me, and says "Logan had a huge poop just before you got home." I say "You know I love it when you talk dirty like that."

Not home

Everyone who reads this expected Bethany to be home by now. She isn't. And as far as I know, she won't be until the official end of her exchange experience.

After the election on December 2 went without any major violence, and the socialist changes proposed in the Referendum failed, Bethany decided that she was safe again and her dad and the Rotary officials agreed. She is staying for now.

Her dad and Carter will be visiting her over the week between Christmas and New Year. Her dad will "assess" the situation and see how things really are. She doesn't want to leave. She still misses us and being home, but she doesn't want to lose out on this opportunity. I understand but.....

I'll say it again.......it's hard being a Mom.

After watching videos of the muffins as newborns

Me: "Ohhh, they were so sweet."

Him: "Does it make you want more?"

Me: "Ummm, not really. Does it make you want more?"

Him: "Not really. Are you sure it doesn't make you want more?"

Me: "Yup, pretty sure."

Him: "Are you sure?"

Me: "YES!!"

Him: "I sense some waffling."

Me: "Waffle this!"

2 years old -- YAY!

For some reason, Logan's birthday holds special significance for me.  I guess it's because it means I'm that much closer to being able to reason through situations rather than waiting out a tantrum.  Maybe it's because I'm that much closer to wiping my last poopy bottom.  Or, it could be because I'm that much closer to never again having to say "Logan! Don't put (insert one of the following:  Lamby, my clothes, the toothbrush, Daddy's watch) in the toilet!"  

So don't be surprised if you see me giddily putting baby and toddler stuff curbside with a huge sign saying FREE!!! PLEASE TAKE!!!  

Happy Birthday Logan!

I used to love "falling back"

Ahhhhh......the good old days......the days when you look forward to the end of daylight savings time for the extra hour of sleep. Staying up a little later on Saturday night and watching ALL of SNL.

That all changes with very young children in the picture. Children who don't have any concept of "sleeping in." Children who believe that "when the sunshine is ready" (Brennan's way of understanding when you sleep and when you're awake) you're supposed to be up and going. Monday it was 6:00 am. Today it was 5:40 am. Seriously!! Go back to bed!!

Befy Update #3

It seems like a long, long time since Bethany left for Venezuela. We're actually 4 days shy of 2 months. That's not that long. But when it's your daughter, and the only other female in your immediate family, it's a long time.

Yesterday I was missing her female comraderie so much that I slept in her room, in her bed, under the quilt that my Nana, her Nana and I worked on. It's only a simple quilt, but it's girly and was made with lots and lots of love. It felt good being under it and thinking about where I came from, the women who have been (are) ahead of me and the woman who is behind me. That helped. I didn't feel quite so alone.

So, here is her monthly update:

My second month in Venezuela, or no quiero regresar!

Hi guys in the US, I have just completed my second month in Venezuela, and I am very content, and very settled in. My Spanish has grown by leaps and bounds, and people I talk to for the first time say that my Spanish is perfect ( but it´s only because they haven´t gotten to know me well). I CAN say everything I want to say 99 percent of the time without my dictionary, which is a big improvement, and I understand practically everything people say to me, which makes my time in school a lot easier and a lot less frustrating. Now I´m focusing on learning the culture so I can really start to integrate myself in to the life here.
Something I´m really satisfied with are my friends. I´ve come to wholeheartedly love and appretiate the friends I´ve made, they are so great, and in the 1 month I´ve been in school, they have already supported me and helped me through so much. My social life has also picked up, although it´s hard to negotiate around my host family´s plans, mostly because my host mother likes to change them at the last minute.
Speaking of my host family, I finally feel comfortable living here as part of this family, that it took two months to feel that way wasn´t their fault but mine. They welcomed me from the first day, and always included me in family activities and duties, it just took me a little while to shed my ingrained politeness and step out of the guest-shell I had been living in. I can´t imagine the pain I´m going to feel when I have to go back to the states in July, it will probably top the pain I felt at leaving my family in the US, since this time I know that it isn´t garaunteed that I will see them again.
The only thing that throws a shadow over my exchange so far is the political situation here. For those of you who don´t know, the President of Venezuela is Hugo Chavez. Chavez has been slowly gaining power by taking over the public schools, which teach the poor children who can´t afford private school, that Chavez is close to a God and will solve all of Venezuela´s problems. He has also taken over the free television channels, so the poor are constantly fed propaganda. At the same time, he is trying to push through a major reform to the constitution which totally bans access to the internet, restricts free speech, sets a country-wide dress code, and takes over control of what all the schools in Venezuela teach. Chavez will have no trouble passing this reform, since the National Assembly of Venezuela was handpicked by him, after an earlier constitutional reform. While Chavez focuses on gaining power, there is a shortage of wheat, sugar, eggs, milk, and cooking oil, and bread is starting to be rationed ( the other day my sister and I were sent to buy french bread, and they would only let us buy three small loaves per person). There have been marches in protest in Caracas and Maracaibo, which were put down violently by the government-controlled police. Many people were injured in Caracas, and a girl was killed in the march in Maracaibo. I saw all of this on the last non-government controlled station in Venezuela CAN-TV .
Despite the disturbances in the big cities, I am perfectly safe here, for those of you who would worry. As long as I lay low in the streets and don´t participate in any protests I should be fine. Daily life here continues as normal , and I can still go to school, and although the necessary food stuffs are a little harder to find, I have never gone hungry here.
Everyone take care of yourselves in the United State, and now that I am happy here and having a great year. I´ll write again in a month!

Love,
Bethany

********************************************************************

Yes, I'm worried and afraid for her. I've already asked her if she'd consider coming home early and she "No way!" Her dad and Carter are going to visit her the week between Christmas and New Years. That will help us get a sense of how she really is.

It's hard being a mom.

Conversation between two teenaged boys

Dude. Mothers are amazing, but creepy.

Dude. Why are they creepy?

Because they know everything.

Dude. You're right....they DO know everything. So why are they amazing?

Dude! Because they make cookies!

Good point, Dude.

One week from today

My oldest child, Bethany, leaves home for a 10 month Rotary exchange to Venezuela next Friday, September 7. She's my only daughter and it goes without saying that I'm going to miss her. But I HAVE to say it......I AM GOING TO MISS HER!!

She graduated from high school in June and turns 18 on September 10. Both events signal that it's time for her to go. Leaving home is what she's supposed to do and what all her parents have worked hard for -- getting her ready for when she "grows up." I really do want her to launch (and believe me, that's the right word for what she's going to do), but DAMN I didn't think it would be this hard.

Some would think that all the practice I've already had with her being away would soften the blow of her departure. I mean, it's already been 10 years of the back-and-forth between my house and her dad's house since our divorce. It was terrible, those times that she called needing her mom, and I couldn't hold her hand, look into her eyes and share her pain or joy or blahhhs in the same physical space. We figured out our own ways to manage it -- none of them particularly good but they helped us deal with the situation.

And then there are the two times that she left for an extended visit to Japan. She went with a group from her Japanese class and their teacher, "Sensei," in the summer of '05 for about 3 1/2 weeks. She returned to Japan last summer for about 10 weeks where she lived with a host family. She came back from both experiences entranced with Japan and with traveling. She's always been that way. I remember when she was about 6 years old she asked for a book about China for Christmas. (She also asked for a My Little Pony, but hey! she was a 6 year old girl!)

I guess I can see how her previous absences have helped prepare me for what's coming. It's hard to look at it that way because I just don't want to let her go. And as hard as I try to be philosophical about it (see above) and altruistically encouraging of her hopes and dreams, my selfish part keeps nudging and reminding me of how much I'm going to lose when she leaves. Bethany gives so much to me and our family, in ways that she's very aware of and in other ways that have probably never occurred to her.

She gracefully opened herself to two, very-much-younger-than-her, half-brothers, proceeded to graciously share her already limited access to my time, energy, and physical affection with aforementioned brothers. She also generously and frequently tends to them to that I can have an hour to myself or a date with my husband. She knows all of this, and I hope, how much I appreciate her offerings.

What I don't think she's aware of is how her very presence provides me with an unspoken ally in this home. She's the only other person in the household with a brain wired like mine! This I will truly, truly miss. I'm not looking forward to being a small island of estrogen awash in a mighty sea of testosterone.

But more than anything else, I'm going to miss her complex and deeply thoughtful mind and her exuberant spirit. She definitely lights up a room with her smile and her energy and of course, her amazing dancing skills! (See representative photo above)

She's not without her foibles, but in times like these, they are easy to overlook.

Sweetheart, as you go, I hope you remember that you'll always have a soft place to lay your head whenever you want it or need it. And remember, no matter how grown up you get, or how far you travel away from me, you'll always be my
"Sweet little Bethanini."

Bliss.....Pure Bliss

So yesterday DH calls me at 6:45 am. Yes, I was already up and busy, as anyone with toddlers will know and understand. He says, "I'm about 5 minutes from work, but I really want to come home. Is that ok?"

I didn't have any clients scheduled for that day and had already decided to take Brennan and Logan to the babysitter's house and have a REAL day off. I probably don't have to explain how a day off from work when you have kids really isn't a day off. Sometimes being at work is more relaxing than being at home. Sometimes? Who am I kidding?!?! Most of the time!!

Anyway, I had been really looking forward to this time alone (truly alone) for about a week and had already started to formulate a plan for the precious 6 hours that I would have to myself (run, definitely, run, then read? paint? blog? sew? sleep? clean? wait--how did that get in there?!) Usually it's extremely hard for me to shift gears in mid-expectation, but this was a very special opportunity for us -- to be together in our own house, during the day, without any kids to manage or try to talk over, or rescue from near death. Besides that, I hadn't even made my morning coffee yet so I said "Of COURSE it's OK! I'll see you when you get here."

Since his commute is about an hour one way, DH got home around 7:45. We went through the rest of the morning get-ready-for-the-babysitter routine and took the kids across the street at 8:30. Once we were back in the house, we didn't have any trouble filling the 6 hours, and we didn't even have a plan. Moral of the story: be open and flexible -- the best stuff might just be outside of the box.