If you're a regular reader you know that my oldest, my only daughter, is spending a year in Venezuela on a Rotary exchange. She turned 18 last September. That means, that according to the U.S. military, Voter's Registration, tobacco and credit card companies, piercing/tattoo joints, and pretty much everyone else except bars and liquor stores, consider her an adult. (Actually, in Venezuela, the legal drinking age is 18, so she's 100% an adult there).
I'm not sure how/why 18 became the age that was deemed the starting line for adult decision-making. It seems kind of arbitrary to me. In fact, one prominent brain researcher is finding that the human brain hasn't reached complete development, with typical adult decision-making abilities, until around age 25. (Interestingly, the amount of grey matter doesn’t peak until age 30, and the amount of white matter doesn’t peak until age 45!)
In my work I find myself explaining these concepts to lots of parents of adolescents. They're usually convinced that their kid is being an idiot ON PURPOSE. I tell them that Sally and Johnny really aren't able -- they do not have the brain equipment -- to make wise, reasoned decisions like they are. Their brains just aren't done yet. They might look like young adults, and talk like young adults, but their brains are not there. I had one dad who interrupted me mid-brain development lecture and say "I know....they're turkeys." I said "what??" He said "you said they were weren't done growing yet -- like taking a turkey out of the oven too soon."
It's all fine and dandy when I'm talking to other parents about their kids' stupid decisions and lack of insight. It's easy for me to be compassionate and calm and reassuring to other parents, but when it comes to my own, it's a different story.
My daughter recently revealed that she's fallen in love with a young Venezuelan man. This really isn't a huge surprise -- she's a lovely young woman with a healthy interest in the world around her. And, she'd already had a minor romantic fling shortly after her arrival to South America with a fellow high school student.
The young man she's interested in is also interested in her. Well, more than interested. He thinks she's all that and a bag of chips. This should be a good news to me, right?? Most moms want their children to grow up and find love....soul satisfying love, gut wrenching love, the kind of love that brings an atheist to his knees in prayer. Of COURSE I do! But, (you knew that was coming) not when she's 18. First there's the whole brain-not-done-yet, thing. And, trailing close behind is this other thing. The young man? He's 28.
This just isn't ok with me. And I don't really care that it's common in Latin American countries for boyfriends/husbands to be much older than their girlfriends/wives. That's in Latin America. And my daughter is not Latin American. She's as white bread as they come!
But I digress. The real issue here is that whatever decisions she's making about her future really aren't founded in solid decision-making capability.
Sweetheart, you're a turkey. I mean that with all the love in the world. And when you're done, you are going to be even more amazing than you already are. Mom.
PS This stuff has taken up quite a bit of my mental and emotional energy lately. I hope that explains the lack of regular posts. If I could just find a way to chain her to her bed and throw away the key to her chastity belt.
