Sheesh

Wish I felt like posting more.

I do actually have things I care about and have quite a bit to say regarding said things.

I've been waylaid by the "I couldn't give a crap about anything, just get me to April" demon.

Yeah.

It's been pretty bad.

I hope to be back soon.

If you have sunshine and warmth, please send some my way!

FI-nally!!

After weeks and weeks of a big tease, it started to feel a bit like summer today. The temps got into the 80s. I can't tell you how GLAD I was, and GLAD definitely beats SAD any day!

Of course there's a downside. After dodging many meteorological bullets this spring, Central Illinois is currently under a tornado watch. Even so, all I can say is

WELCOME

WELCOME

WELCOME!!

Welcome sticky popsicle faces, that sunscreen smell, running through sprinklers, lightning bugs and needing a bath every night.

Welcome painted toe nails, that slight, tight stiffness from a little too much sun, flip-flops, flowey skirts every day, and smoothly-shaved legs.

Welcome sweet frozen drinks with umbrellas, oodles of garden produce, watermelon, salad for supper, corn stuck between your teeth, and dripping ice cream cones.

Welcome trips to the water park, family vacation, slowing down cuz it's SO hot and humid, insects droning, and watching thunderstorms on the porch.

Welcome summer! My favorite time of the year!

Notice anything missing?

No posts about SAD for TWO MONTHS!

It was definitely a "white-knuckle" kinda winter. Even ONO had a hard time.

Here's a little somethin-somethin for him:

In the tight, relentless grip

There are 33 days until Spring Equinox. And even though it's only a month, it feels like an eternity.

I've felt the grasp of SAD since October, But now, the cold, bony fingers are tightening around my psyche, making it very fragile indeed.

It's hard to go day after day with no sun. I'd take the below zero temps for even a glimmer of sunshine. To make matters worse, The nasty virus that ravaged the rest of the family finally caught me and I can't run.

I feel miserable....both physically and mentally. Hope I don't sound too much like a whiner, but I truly am SAD.

FRIGID!!

It's January. It's supposed to be cold. But it's COLD! Urbana school district actually canceled school yesterday because of the cold. The air temps have hovered in the single digits above and below 0 for the last few days. The wind chills have been as low as -25. It's

I haven't run since Monday. I'm hoping to go later this afternoon when the air temps should be up to 22 and the wind chill temp only 10 or so.

OK, so maybe running in this kind of weather is a little nutty. But at least I'm not one of these people:



I've discovered I really enjoy running in the winter. I wasn't sure, since I'd never done it before, but turns out I prefer it to running in the summer. Here's why:

It's much easier to regulate your body temp in the cold than in the heat. You can always take off a layer of clothes in the winter, but you can't run naked, and if you do, what are you going to take off after that???

You don't get that "soft" feeling in the summer.

Trailing billows of steam from your mouth and nose is MUCH preferred to gallons of sweat stinging your eyes.

Winter running reminds me of fun times growing up in Utah. Summer running doesn't.

The cold helps numb the pain in the leg muscles on long runs.

And most importantly, winter running is one of two things (the other is shoveling snow) that gets me out of the house and thus helps manage the SAD. I'm outside almost all the time in the summer.

So even though I feel like this:



I'm going to keep doing this:

Darkest Day

Today is Winter Solstice. There were 11 hours and 15 minutes of daylight today....if you want to call it that. It looked like this outside most of the day:

Luckily, I was able to run today. It really, really helps. It just might be the cure for my SAD, or at least a significant treatment. I've decided this because when I think about the rest of winter, I think 2 things:

1) The next 6 months brings a daily increase in sunlight.

2) Soon after New Year's I will begin serious training for the coming running season.

Just thinking about those things gives me a boost of positive energy.

Even so, while I'm not a pagan, I can totally understand why the Sun has been worshiped for thousands of years. Right now, in many places in the world, the new solar year is being celebrated.

Winter Running

I know, I know.....I said I was all done with running until Spring.  I just couldn't stay away.  

Part of it was the challenge of running in cold weather.  Could I do it?  Could I stand it?  I wanted to know.  

Another motivator was very 

 fond memories of downhill and cross country skiing as a teen.  Those pushed me to try....there's something about the stillness and softness of snow that is soothing.  Yes, it's cold but it's also wondrous.  It moves the self (my Self) to slow down and be present.

I've run 3 times while it's snowing and right after it has snowed.  A little tricky but very fun.  I decided to try after getting my left calf checked by a sports med. doc here in town.  I was assured that I only had shin splints and not a stress fracture and that they (said shin splints) were caused by the hill running I had done on the U of I campus 

starting in July in preparation for the trail run I did in October.  That trail run definitely exacerbated it.  

Oddly enough, after running in the snow, I haven't had a single twinge in my left calf....maybe it's the extra cushioning from the snow, or I'm landing and stepping off differently to manage the snow, or maybe it was all psychological!

I was a little hesitant to tell ONO that I was going to run again before spring.  I told him and he said something like "Well, I'm not surprised.  I'm well aware of your illness."  It took me a minute and then I said "I don't think of it as an illness."  And he said, "I know.  That's why it is."

I think it's ok if I'm a bit nutty about this running thing.  It's helping me keep the tendrils away!!

Grateful

Those of you that live in the area know what a nasty few days we've had weather-wise. The meteorologists called it a "wintry mix" but it sure seemed more like the 9th circle of Dante's hell.

We had hear the ice storm was coming so I planned to get the bulk of the Christmas shopping done on Saturday. It was nasty but not too bad. But then on Sunday I realized that I hadn't paid enough attention to how low the juice supply was so knew I'd have to go out AGAIN and fork out another chunk of moolah to support the mini-muffins' juice habit. AND I decided I should take them because ONO was focused on getting the basement finished and I sure didn't want to interrupt that!

So, grumbling under my breath, I got the boys dressed in coats, hats mittens, shoes, socks, (and for Brennan pants and a shirt) which they protested vehemently, then got myself ready and out we went into the yuck. Very yuck.
(It wasn't this bad at our house.....I just thought the pic was kinda cool.)


We did the shopping, managed to avoid a number of major meltdowns and headed back out to the van. While the boys cried because they were cold and hungry, I put all the stuff into the van, getting cold and wet. Finally, into the car seats they went with more than minimal angry outbursts from yours truly. It was all just SO annoying! (I usually say something much more colorful but it's not appropriate here.)

This outing was really getting the best of me and I could sense the tough, icy tendrils of my SAD creeping up and planning a hijacking. It's a really desperate feeling.....sensing that the THING is almost upon you and feeling nearly defenseless against it. Fortunately (for me) while driving home I noticed two older women standing at a bus stop, with no warm jacket and no head covering. They were soaking wet and looked miserable. The tendrils slunk back just a little when I said to myself "at least you have a warm, dry van and don't have to stand waiting for a bus."

I got home and before dragging in the $100-plus of groceries in the house, I felt another wave of frustration and annoyance wash over me when I saw the inch of ice on our deck. In a huff I started chopping the ice off the deck and stairs so no one would fall and break their necks (namely me!) I'm chopping away and getting pretty ticked off by it, cursing the weather and winter in general and then, I'm not sure why, the truth of what I was actually doing occurred to me -- I'm chopping ice off of our deck, that we OWN, ourselves, and have friends over to enjoy our firepit on, and our kids have little picnics on when the weather is nice. That's attached to your warm, dry, pretty house, filled with your healthy, normal children and your loving, devoted, hard-working husband, filled to the brim with food, that you were able to buy with the money that you earned from your job that brings you personal satisfaction and fulfillment.

Yeah, Lis, you have a hard life. Poor you, having to go out to buy groceries and chop ice off of your deck.

You know, when you're warm, safe, dry and fed, an ice storm is actually kinda interesting and pretty.

Trifecta

Thanks to high humidity, a bad head cold and early on-set of SAD, my head feels like a block of compressed dryer lint. Nothing's getting in....or out, really, and it feels so fuzzy and dense in there. I really wish humans could hibernate.

The Iceman Cometh

According to the calendar, today is officially the first day of fall and the autumnal equinox -- equal amounts of daylight and darkness. I pay close attention to these things, not because I'm a practicing Wiccan, but because I have a really, REALLY hard time during the winter. By DSM-IVtr criteria I could be diagnosed with SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Last winter was especially bad as it was the first time I have stayed at home, almost full-time, with two VERY little children. Stuck in the house with toddlers and poop for weeks on end.....can't imagine why I got depressed!

When Bethany and Carter were toddlers, I was a full-time graduate student and we lived in Athens, Georgia. It snowed twice in the six years that we lived there. The University of Georgia closed campus for two days even though the snow had all melted by noon of the first day. On New Year's Eve you could easily do all your reveling outside, so I really didn't have a problem with winter until we moved to northern Illinois in 1994.

I remember the first snowfall in DeKalb that winter. My colleague Beth and I stood at the window and watched the fluffy, soft flakes floating down. She'd graduated from UGA too and asked me if I thought we better get to the store and stock up on provisions in case we got snowed in. Looking back now, that's pretty funny as DeKalb knows how to handle it's snow. Compared to UGA, Northern Illinois University only closed campus once in the six years I was there, not because of snow fall, but because it was so cold the gas lines on the university buses froze and couldn't transport students around campus. If you think about it, it has to be pret-ty damn cold to freeze gas lines.

That first winter was kind of fun because Christmas really felt like Christmas, and I got to buy a winter coat that was all white with gray fur around the hood -- it made me feel like one of those Russian models. But the first "spring" (if you want to call it that) just about killed me. In my mind, spring kicks in sometime in late March, early April. In northern Illinois, the week to ten days of spring usually arrive in late May, a little sheepishly like a party guest who couldn't decide whether or not to accept the invitation and then says "what the hell. I guess I'll go" and comes traipsing in when things are just starting to wrap up. The snow usually stopped in early April but the gray, cold drizzle went on and on and on. It went on forever. I can't remember a single commencement or Mother's Day that was warm and sunny.

Moving 150 miles south has certainly helped. There's a definite spring here with a gradual warming of temperatures, blooming of traditional spring flowers like tulips and daffodils, and sun. It helps. But for about the next six months I will still have to take my little blue pill once a day, exercise like a demon, and turn on all the lights, even the hideous fluorescent one in the kitchen, to keep me from killing myself or a family member (I'm being hyperbolic here....please don't call DCFS).

It could be a lot worse. I have a client who has one of the worst cases of SAD that I have ever seen, either personally or professionally. Besides Prozac and individual therapy with me, we have come up with a long, long list of tools and resources to help her get through the winter. They include aromatherapy, acupuncture, massage, yoga, mindfulness, cognitive restructuring, a light box, journaling, and exercise.

Working with her has been one of those personal/professional intersects that happens a lot in my line of work. In therapy-speak it's called an "interface issue" or for traditionally trained folks...."countertransference." It's one of those junctures where I wonder if I should self-disclose my personal experience with the same issue (I have with this client). At the very least I wonder about each of the tools to fight SAD and think about using them myself.

I think mindfulness would be one of the best tools for me right now. A couple of weeks ago I smelled that autumn smell in the air (you know the one) and found myself slipping down, down into a dark place. It didn't help that Bethany had just left home for a year and I missed her terribly (still do). I usually enjoy autumn so much but this year my mind keeps jumping ahead to the dead of winter. Mindfulness will help me stay with what's right in front of me, and enjoy it. But check back with my in January.