According to the calendar, today is officially the first day of fall and the autumnal equinox -- equal amounts of daylight and darkness. I pay close attention to these things, not because I'm a practicing Wiccan, but because I have a really, REALLY hard time during the winter. By DSM-IVtr criteria I could be diagnosed with SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Last winter was especially bad as it was the first time I have stayed at home, almost full-time, with two VERY little children. Stuck in the house with toddlers and poop for weeks on end.....can't imagine why I got depressed!
When Bethany and Carter were toddlers, I was a full-time graduate student and we lived in Athens, Georgia. It snowed twice in the six years that we lived there. The University of Georgia closed campus for two days even though the snow had all melted by noon of the first day. On New Year's Eve you could easily do all your reveling outside, so I really didn't have a problem with winter until we moved to northern Illinois in 1994.
I remember the first snowfall in DeKalb that winter. My colleague Beth and I stood at the window and watched the fluffy, soft flakes floating down. She'd graduated from UGA too and asked me if I thought we better get to the store and stock up on provisions in case we got snowed in. Looking back now, that's pretty funny as DeKalb knows how to handle it's snow. Compared to UGA, Northern Illinois University only closed campus once in the six years I was there, not because of snow fall, but because it was so cold the gas lines on the university buses froze and couldn't transport students around campus. If you think about it, it has to be pret-ty damn cold to freeze gas lines.
That first winter was kind of fun because Christmas really felt like Christmas, and I got to buy a winter coat that was all white with gray fur around the hood -- it made me feel like one of those Russian models. But the first "spring" (if you want to call it that) just about killed me. In my mind, spring kicks in sometime in late March, early April. In northern Illinois, the week to ten days of spring usually arrive in late May, a little sheepishly like a party guest who couldn't decide whether or not to accept the invitation and then says "what the hell. I guess I'll go" and comes traipsing in when things are just starting to wrap up. The snow usually stopped in early April but the gray, cold drizzle went on and on and on. It went on forever. I can't remember a single commencement or Mother's Day that was warm and sunny.
Moving 150 miles south has certainly helped. There's a definite spring here with a gradual warming of temperatures, blooming of traditional spring flowers like tulips and daffodils, and sun. It helps. But for about the next six months I will still have to take my little blue pill once a day, exercise like a demon, and turn on all the lights, even the hideous fluorescent one in the kitchen, to keep me from killing myself or a family member (I'm being hyperbolic here....please don't call DCFS).
It could be a lot worse. I have a client who has one of the worst cases of SAD that I have ever seen, either personally or professionally. Besides Prozac and individual therapy with me, we have come up with a long, long list of tools and resources to help her get through the winter. They include aromatherapy, acupuncture, massage, yoga, mindfulness, cognitive restructuring, a light box, journaling, and exercise.
Working with her has been one of those personal/professional intersects that happens a lot in my line of work. In therapy-speak it's called an "interface issue" or for traditionally trained folks...."countertransference." It's one of those junctures where I wonder if I should self-disclose my personal experience with the same issue (I have with this client). At the very least I wonder about each of the tools to fight SAD and think about using them myself.
I think mindfulness would be one of the best tools for me right now. A couple of weeks ago I smelled that autumn smell in the air (you know the one) and found myself slipping down, down into a dark place. It didn't help that Bethany had just left home for a year and I missed her terribly (still do). I usually enjoy autumn so much but this year my mind keeps jumping ahead to the dead of winter. Mindfulness will help me stay with what's right in front of me, and enjoy it. But check back with my in January.
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