A couple of days ago I ran outside. I guess the planets were in alignment or something.
The temp was nearly ideal (30 degrees), there was little wind (8mph), and I was oh, SOOOO happy to be outside. I drove over to the park with the prairie path and had already mentally mapped out my 4 miles. It only took about half a mile to warm up. All signs pointed to a good run.
I'm trucking along, enjoying the light breeze in my face and the billows of steam coming from my mouth, when around 2 miles I start to feel this niggling pain in my left knee. I decide to ignore it and continue. Beck helps move me along, but the pain gets a little worse. Then it gets pretty bad. Damn.
Like an idiot I keep going, deciding to get to the end of the next mile and then walk back to the car. I shuffle/hobble to the end of the street, turn around and start to walk back. The pain is unbelievable -- it hurt in my left hip, my knee and down in my left ankle/achilles (ITB, maybe?) Seriously, I wanted to cry. And I'm not a pain wimp! I mean, I pushed out all 4 kids with NO drugs!
How did this happen? Did I just let my joy at running outside get the best of me? Did I stride too long and hyper-extend my knee? Is this thing the same thing that made my dad quit running? Will I have to quit? And my first race is one week from today! Big SIGH.
Ironically, I had very little motivation to run that day. I had a number of "Nike moments" before I got out the door. I'll try today and see what happens.
Goddess of Running -- What have I done to displease you??
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
It's time for new glasses
I was browsing at TJ Maxx yesterday and was drawn over to the handbag area. I was immediately attracted to two very cool, but very different laptop bags. One was about $35. When I glanced at the price tag of the other one, I saw it was on clearance for $20.
What to do...what to do...I can't decide! I thought, "I'll just get both for now, it's only $55 for both. And ONO can help me decide."
I trot happily up to a cashier and she starts scanning them in. I'm watching the register and see $200 come up. I say to the friendly, personable (insert sarcastic tone) 20-something employee "Oh, hey! That bag just rang up as $200!" She looks at me with utter contempt, and without saying a word holds up the price tag right in front of my eyes. It said $200.
Here's the bag I decided on:
What to do...what to do...I can't decide! I thought, "I'll just get both for now, it's only $55 for both. And ONO can help me decide."
I trot happily up to a cashier and she starts scanning them in. I'm watching the register and see $200 come up. I say to the friendly, personable (insert sarcastic tone) 20-something employee "Oh, hey! That bag just rang up as $200!" She looks at me with utter contempt, and without saying a word holds up the price tag right in front of my eyes. It said $200.
Here's the bag I decided on:
Monday, February 25, 2008
Weighty Issues
I thought long and hard about writing this entry. It can be a hard thing to share in public because I'm not sure what kind of reaction I'm going to get. I don't care so much what strangers think, but I know for SURE that I'm going to get grief from certain someones in my life. But, I also know that most, if not all, of the women who read this have experienced at one time or another in their lives what I'm about to share. So here we go.
I'd been feeling pretty good about my body since I started running last spring. I hadn't lost oodles of weight, but then, I wasn't really trying to do that. It would be nice, don't get me wrong, but I'm a big fan of food and I don't do well with deprivation. But, even though I try to focus on being healthy, strong and active, I confess I have bought into the culturally based definition of beauty: young and thin. Well, at 44, young is certainly out of the question....you just can't stop time. But thin.....
I know I will never, ever be thin like what I think thin looks like. It's just not in my genetic coding. I come from sturdy stock. Even after more than 30 years I'm still in the process of accepting that.
I remember in 4th or 5th grade noticing girls that were thinner than me and wishing to look like them, specifically the backs of their knees. Sounds weird, but the backs of their knees had absolutely no fat and you could clearly see the tendons connecting their thighs to their calves. For some reason I liked that better than what I had -- fatty backs of the knees. So I was maybe nine or ten? Where the heck did that idea come from??? It's not like the backs of 70s super models' knees were featured in Seventeen or Madamoiselle. Maybe I simply found that more to my liking. I don't remember looking at the backs of my knees in the mirrors of my childhood home, but somehow I knew I didn't have thin ones. And I wanted them.
I certainly look at myself in the mirror now. Yes, I'm naked. Amazingly, I manage to do that without paying too much attention to the silvery landscape of stretch marks (from birthing 4 babies), or the boobs that look like tube socks with tennis balls in the ends (from nursing 4 babies). I focus on my shoulders, arms, belly button (I kinda like it...it looks like an upside-down crescent moon -- also from birthing 4 babies). And I'll look at my legs. I've always liked my calves (thanks to Mom's side of the family), and more recently, my thighs because I thought they looked more muscle-y from running......at least from the sides.
You've probably heard somewhere that when you get cocky about something, the universe will find a way to knock you back down. After all, arrogance isn't pretty. Well, the universe was very helpful to me with mine last week.
I was getting dressed and the mini-muffins and I were dancing to one of my fav '70s songs: Give up the Funk by Parliament (AWESOME tune!) It was a good day, the sun was shining, no one was cranky (yet). And then I glanced over at the full length mirror and caught site of the backs of my thighs.
OH. MY. GOD. Where the hell did all that cellulite come from?!? Are those REALLY my legs? I don't have my glasses on and I can still see it so it must be pretty bad. And yes, those are really my legs. I didn't even get to the backs of the knees I was so disturbed by the thighs!
What went through my mind after that fateful moment was far from compassionate or self-accepting: "I can't believe you've gone out in shorts like that! This year you're only wearing shorts that hit at the knees. And forget about a swim suit! This is what happens when you eat the way you do. Got a little cocky, huh? Thinking you're impervious to weight gain just because you ruu-uun."
And of course, every article of clothing I put on after that was assessed for how it fit -- "This is tighter than usual. I'm a fat cow."
And every time I looked in the mirror, either clothed or unclothed, instead of seeing a healthy, strong woman, I saw a large, dimple-thighed woman. It's a shameful admission but I've been in a state of self-loathing ever since. And maybe I decided to write about it publicly so I could see just how hurtful I'm being to myself and stop it.
I know that if I like what I see in the mirror it's because it somehow matches the current definition of beauty. Or I've at least made peace with that part of myself (like not looking at my boobs or hips). But I don't think I'd like the look of cellulite even if Gisele and Kate Moss were covered in it from head to toe. I can see plump--really I can. There's a universal appeal to the curved shape (think faces, flowers, nice boobs and butts, etc.) And there were certainly periods in history when plump, voluminous women were preferred, like during the mid- to late 19th century.
But bumpy, rippley curves? I don't think so.
Ironically, I was listening to a mindfulness CD last night and Jon Kabat-Zinn said something like "You are large. You contain multitudes." He was, of course, talking about how each person has the capacity for being connected to the infinite, not about having large bodies. But it gave me a nice reframe for thinking about myself as large.
I'd been feeling pretty good about my body since I started running last spring. I hadn't lost oodles of weight, but then, I wasn't really trying to do that. It would be nice, don't get me wrong, but I'm a big fan of food and I don't do well with deprivation. But, even though I try to focus on being healthy, strong and active, I confess I have bought into the culturally based definition of beauty: young and thin. Well, at 44, young is certainly out of the question....you just can't stop time. But thin.....
I know I will never, ever be thin like what I think thin looks like. It's just not in my genetic coding. I come from sturdy stock. Even after more than 30 years I'm still in the process of accepting that.
I remember in 4th or 5th grade noticing girls that were thinner than me and wishing to look like them, specifically the backs of their knees. Sounds weird, but the backs of their knees had absolutely no fat and you could clearly see the tendons connecting their thighs to their calves. For some reason I liked that better than what I had -- fatty backs of the knees. So I was maybe nine or ten? Where the heck did that idea come from??? It's not like the backs of 70s super models' knees were featured in Seventeen or Madamoiselle. Maybe I simply found that more to my liking. I don't remember looking at the backs of my knees in the mirrors of my childhood home, but somehow I knew I didn't have thin ones. And I wanted them.
I certainly look at myself in the mirror now. Yes, I'm naked. Amazingly, I manage to do that without paying too much attention to the silvery landscape of stretch marks (from birthing 4 babies), or the boobs that look like tube socks with tennis balls in the ends (from nursing 4 babies). I focus on my shoulders, arms, belly button (I kinda like it...it looks like an upside-down crescent moon -- also from birthing 4 babies). And I'll look at my legs. I've always liked my calves (thanks to Mom's side of the family), and more recently, my thighs because I thought they looked more muscle-y from running......at least from the sides.
You've probably heard somewhere that when you get cocky about something, the universe will find a way to knock you back down. After all, arrogance isn't pretty. Well, the universe was very helpful to me with mine last week.
I was getting dressed and the mini-muffins and I were dancing to one of my fav '70s songs: Give up the Funk by Parliament (AWESOME tune!) It was a good day, the sun was shining, no one was cranky (yet). And then I glanced over at the full length mirror and caught site of the backs of my thighs.
OH. MY. GOD. Where the hell did all that cellulite come from?!? Are those REALLY my legs? I don't have my glasses on and I can still see it so it must be pretty bad. And yes, those are really my legs. I didn't even get to the backs of the knees I was so disturbed by the thighs!
What went through my mind after that fateful moment was far from compassionate or self-accepting: "I can't believe you've gone out in shorts like that! This year you're only wearing shorts that hit at the knees. And forget about a swim suit! This is what happens when you eat the way you do. Got a little cocky, huh? Thinking you're impervious to weight gain just because you ruu-uun."
And of course, every article of clothing I put on after that was assessed for how it fit -- "This is tighter than usual. I'm a fat cow."
And every time I looked in the mirror, either clothed or unclothed, instead of seeing a healthy, strong woman, I saw a large, dimple-thighed woman. It's a shameful admission but I've been in a state of self-loathing ever since. And maybe I decided to write about it publicly so I could see just how hurtful I'm being to myself and stop it.
I know that if I like what I see in the mirror it's because it somehow matches the current definition of beauty. Or I've at least made peace with that part of myself (like not looking at my boobs or hips). But I don't think I'd like the look of cellulite even if Gisele and Kate Moss were covered in it from head to toe. I can see plump--really I can. There's a universal appeal to the curved shape (think faces, flowers, nice boobs and butts, etc.) And there were certainly periods in history when plump, voluminous women were preferred, like during the mid- to late 19th century.
But bumpy, rippley curves? I don't think so.
Ironically, I was listening to a mindfulness CD last night and Jon Kabat-Zinn said something like "You are large. You contain multitudes." He was, of course, talking about how each person has the capacity for being connected to the infinite, not about having large bodies. But it gave me a nice reframe for thinking about myself as large.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
I do NOT like track running
Just so ya know.
I was looking forward to running yesterday when ONO got home from work. Twice a week I spend the entire day the mini-muffins, and by the time he gets home I need to run away (pun intended).
But yesterday, the predicted one inch of snow turned into 4 inches, with a sprinkling of sleet. I thought hard about it and I realized it wasn't a good idea to run outside. It's not the snow, so much, or even the sleet. It's the stupid drivers not slowing down, not seeing me, suddenly seeing me and then spinning out of control, right into me. Perhaps a little hyperbolic but entirely possible.
So, I opted for the U of I armory track again. Bleeechhh. There just wasn't anything interesting about it this time. And for some reason my legs felt blocks of lead. It might have been the generous plate of tofu Pad Thai I'd eaten only an hour before, or the shoveling I did before hand so I could get to said armory. At any rate, I felt slow. Slower than slow. Slow as molasses. In Alaska. Slower than a sloth in the Amazon rainforest. In summer. I think you get the picture.
And it didn't help that I was the oldest person on the track by say....25 years. OK, maybe 20. But still! I really psyched myself out by focusing on all the young, trim, fast college students lapping me. And it wasn't until about mile 3 that I realized I was doing that. Oooohhhhh. Riiight. This is why running is said to be a mental sport.
I finally stopped watching everyone else and started paying attention to my breathing, my form, my music.
And then I went home and had hot chocolate and a bunch of Oreo-Minis.
I was looking forward to running yesterday when ONO got home from work. Twice a week I spend the entire day the mini-muffins, and by the time he gets home I need to run away (pun intended).
But yesterday, the predicted one inch of snow turned into 4 inches, with a sprinkling of sleet. I thought hard about it and I realized it wasn't a good idea to run outside. It's not the snow, so much, or even the sleet. It's the stupid drivers not slowing down, not seeing me, suddenly seeing me and then spinning out of control, right into me. Perhaps a little hyperbolic but entirely possible.
So, I opted for the U of I armory track again. Bleeechhh. There just wasn't anything interesting about it this time. And for some reason my legs felt blocks of lead. It might have been the generous plate of tofu Pad Thai I'd eaten only an hour before, or the shoveling I did before hand so I could get to said armory. At any rate, I felt slow. Slower than slow. Slow as molasses. In Alaska. Slower than a sloth in the Amazon rainforest. In summer. I think you get the picture.
And it didn't help that I was the oldest person on the track by say....25 years. OK, maybe 20. But still! I really psyched myself out by focusing on all the young, trim, fast college students lapping me. And it wasn't until about mile 3 that I realized I was doing that. Oooohhhhh. Riiight. This is why running is said to be a mental sport.
I finally stopped watching everyone else and started paying attention to my breathing, my form, my music.
And then I went home and had hot chocolate and a bunch of Oreo-Minis.
Friday, February 22, 2008
I just might change teams
If you know me at all, you know I'm a long-time member of Team Coffee! And if you have ever lived with me (or been around me in the morning), you know I'm pretty much like this:
But look at what ONO gave me for Valentine's Day:
Not only is this beautiful, it's amazingly functional. It's made of cast iron with a ceramic lining and a stainless infuser. It's actually gotten me drinking the green tea that Bethany brought back for me from Japan. I guess being brewed in a lovely vessel makes it taste better.
I'm pretty excited to explore the world of loose tea where I'm quickly discovering how many choices there are. A local magazine turned me on to The SimpleLeaf where one can purchase teas named "Honeybee Mild Oolong," and Pure Decadence Delicate White." Very intriguing...and probably enough to get me to play for Team Tea!
On second thought, I'll stick with Team Coffee! for the morning, when I can go through the motions of making a cup while still half asleep, and play for Team Tea! during the afternoon when I'm starting to drag and am Jonesin' for something sweet. This should work!
But look at what ONO gave me for Valentine's Day:
Not only is this beautiful, it's amazingly functional. It's made of cast iron with a ceramic lining and a stainless infuser. It's actually gotten me drinking the green tea that Bethany brought back for me from Japan. I guess being brewed in a lovely vessel makes it taste better.
I'm pretty excited to explore the world of loose tea where I'm quickly discovering how many choices there are. A local magazine turned me on to The SimpleLeaf where one can purchase teas named "Honeybee Mild Oolong," and Pure Decadence Delicate White." Very intriguing...and probably enough to get me to play for Team Tea!
On second thought, I'll stick with Team Coffee! for the morning, when I can go through the motions of making a cup while still half asleep, and play for Team Tea! during the afternoon when I'm starting to drag and am Jonesin' for something sweet. This should work!
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
In the tight, relentless grip
There are 33 days until Spring Equinox. And even though it's only a month, it feels like an eternity.
I've felt the grasp of SAD since October, But now, the cold, bony fingers are tightening around my psyche, making it very fragile indeed.
It's hard to go day after day with no sun. I'd take the below zero temps for even a glimmer of sunshine. To make matters worse, The nasty virus that ravaged the rest of the family finally caught me and I can't run.
I feel miserable....both physically and mentally. Hope I don't sound too much like a whiner, but I truly am SAD.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Mood Painting
My friend Donita turned me on to this. It was fast, easy and fun!
Here's mine:
Click here to create your own painting.
Here's mine:
Click here to create your own painting.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Check #6 off the list
So I ran in the U of I Armory last night. It was just too dadgum cold to run outside. Ohhhhh I can't wait for spring!
Compared to outside, track running is pretty boring, at least the running part. However, track running can be quite interesting, especially when it's on a university campus.
At first I was a little intimidated and self-conscious being significantly older and heavier than the average track user. I just KNEW I was going to have to be in the "slow jogger" lane. But then I just started to notice things.
"That guy doesn't really move his left arm at all."
"Hey! Blondie! You need a proper running bra. Seriously!"
"How does he run so fast all hunched up like that?"
"Every time I come around this curve that guy starts doing pull-ups.. ..hmmm....Oooohhhhh. It's for Blondie."
"Her butt is bigger than mine.....I think. Yeah, her butt is definitely bigger. You know, that's quite a booty for a white girl...budonkadonk!"
It really helps the laps go by. All 38 of them.
Compared to outside, track running is pretty boring, at least the running part. However, track running can be quite interesting, especially when it's on a university campus.
At first I was a little intimidated and self-conscious being significantly older and heavier than the average track user. I just KNEW I was going to have to be in the "slow jogger" lane. But then I just started to notice things.
"That guy doesn't really move his left arm at all."
"Hey! Blondie! You need a proper running bra. Seriously!"
"How does he run so fast all hunched up like that?"
"Every time I come around this curve that guy starts doing pull-ups.. ..hmmm....Oooohhhhh. It's for Blondie."
"Her butt is bigger than mine.....I think. Yeah, her butt is definitely bigger. You know, that's quite a booty for a white girl...budonkadonk!"
It really helps the laps go by. All 38 of them.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Waiting....
for someone to tell me to STOP messing around with my blog layout/design. I can't quite find the one the I really, really like.
Someday, hopefully sooner than later, I'm going to switch over to WordPress and use a domain name I bought a few months ago: Sounds like Cake (get it?!? My last name is 'Haake,' and you pronounce it like "cake.")
I'm not sure what's keeping me from making the switch except the thing that keeps most of us where we are, even though we're not too happy with the place....comfort with the familiarity and, to be honest, laziness.
Watch for future changes.
Someday, hopefully sooner than later, I'm going to switch over to WordPress and use a domain name I bought a few months ago: Sounds like Cake (get it?!? My last name is 'Haake,' and you pronounce it like "cake.")
I'm not sure what's keeping me from making the switch except the thing that keeps most of us where we are, even though we're not too happy with the place....comfort with the familiarity and, to be honest, laziness.
Watch for future changes.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Befy Update #7
Sounds like she's doing pretty well! We're hoping to see her by mid-June....4 more months.
***************************************************************************************
My Fifth Month in Venezuela, more school, more vacations
8:20pm Tuesday, Feb 5
Ok, so this month went by blindingly fast, a lot of happenings and miss-happenings that I will now fill all of you in on.
I left of last month with starting school again, school itself hasn´t much changed, except I´ve started hanging out with a different group of people, mainly the girls, and I´ve met and talked to some people that I hadn´t before. We also started to ride the public busses after school, which has given me a lot more freedom to be with my friends after school. I´ve also gotten really lazy with my school work, and I basically only try in math, chemistry, and physics, which are the fun classes here, and the classes in which I´m better than everyone else (Mrs. Tyson will laugh at that!).
I´ve also been able to skip a lot of school. A couple of weeks ago I skipped Thursday and Friday to take a trip with two of my host aunt´s to Maturin to visit my host cousin. Maturin is on the eastern side of Venezuela close to Guyana. The drive was really interesting, watching the country turn from mountains, to jungle, to beach, to desert, and I also got to see all the oil fields, and the tiny little towns that all seem to have some sort of food specialty that they sell by the roadside.
My host cousin is young, about 28, so we had a lot of fun in Maturin going out at night with her friends, and I got to go to a disco for the first time, which was awesome, I hadn´t been able to dance since New Year´s Eve.
Maturin was just a regular Venezuelan city, very dirty and run down, with a lot of pro-Chavez grafitti, but at least I got to spend some time with my host aunts and cousins and skip school for a few days.
Recently we traveled again to Barquisimeto during the wondeful holiday of Carnaval, where basically everyone goes crazy, dresses up, and throws water balloons, eggs, and worse things at perfect strangers. Luckily I was only the victim of a water balloon.
We also had a huge party at our school, complete with lots of fun, disgusting games (peeling an onion with your teeth? Rolling around in the mud?). And I had to ride the bus home muddy with my face painted blue and in sweatpants, and men STILL yelled things at me (that´s Venezuela for you, folks!)
After the party we got Friday, the next Monday and today off from school and the whole family went to Barquisimeto to visit the grandparents. We went to the movies, visited the Misión, where I got to do a zipline through the giant trees, and to a antique flea market, and I also got to ride a horse way up in to the mountains! All in all it was really fun, and I´m looking forward to the next month!
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Worst EVER (so far)
I look forward to my long Sunday runs. This week was no exception. I had spent most of the weekend painting the basement (more on that to come) and I was ready to get out of the house and work the bottom half of my body.
The weather had been a little milder than usual and I was tricked into thinking that I would only need a base layer and light, track jacket. It wasn't long before I discovered that the wind was as brutal as it always is on the prairie.
I changed my route to manage the wind better, a disappointment as the original route took me through a lovely prairie restoration park. Instead, I ran toward the U of I campus thinking their sidewalks would be clear of the six-plus inches of snow that had fallen a few days ago. They were and all was going well until it started to rain....33 degree rain. This, with the wind, made cutting things short soooooo worth it.
Ok, time for another route change. I started back towards the car thinking I could go through the graduate student housing. What a crazy mess of mazes that was! That alone would be irritating enough but the sidewalks weren't clear, the road was in early flood stages, and the cold, cold rain was coming down harder. I swear if I'd had any money, I'd have gotten on one of the many buses that went by me. (Go ahead and say it....I know I'm a woussy).
I FINALLY got back to the car and was seriously chilled and shaking. I didn't even bother stretching. All I could think about was what was waiting for me at home:
The Super Bowl and a little bit of crunchy heaven.
The weather had been a little milder than usual and I was tricked into thinking that I would only need a base layer and light, track jacket. It wasn't long before I discovered that the wind was as brutal as it always is on the prairie.
I changed my route to manage the wind better, a disappointment as the original route took me through a lovely prairie restoration park. Instead, I ran toward the U of I campus thinking their sidewalks would be clear of the six-plus inches of snow that had fallen a few days ago. They were and all was going well until it started to rain....33 degree rain. This, with the wind, made cutting things short soooooo worth it.
Ok, time for another route change. I started back towards the car thinking I could go through the graduate student housing. What a crazy mess of mazes that was! That alone would be irritating enough but the sidewalks weren't clear, the road was in early flood stages, and the cold, cold rain was coming down harder. I swear if I'd had any money, I'd have gotten on one of the many buses that went by me. (Go ahead and say it....I know I'm a woussy).
I FINALLY got back to the car and was seriously chilled and shaking. I didn't even bother stretching. All I could think about was what was waiting for me at home:
The Super Bowl and a little bit of crunchy heaven.
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